They say deadlines spur action, so here we are on the day of the 2026 NFL Draft presenting you with the most important story of the NFL calendar. Just in time, baby.

Thanks to Fran Duffy’s Diehard Draft Guide and Dane Brugler’s Beast for the essential treasure trove of names, beautiful names. All 344 names highlighted below are real prospects in this year’s draft.

Most likely to have a nose where his mouth should be

Most interesting low-level bad guy in a sci-fi trilogy

Most likely transcription error you catch for the word “cameras” while scrolling Instagram

Most offputting way for Hank to describe the seasoning of his dish

Most disappointing answer when you find out what Kimo’s bringing to the potluck

Sexiest characters in the romance novel the woman next to you on the plane is reading

11. D’Arco Perkins-McAllister, CB, Louisiana-Monroe

Most likely to be overheard during George of the Jungle’s job interview

Most likely to have a happy-go-lucky son named Pierre

Most likely to be complimented for not even showing yet

Best substitute when you can’t remember the phrase “French Canadian”

Most supportive thing to yell to Willis during the whittling competition

Most likely to get you mistakenly kicked out of class

Most likely to be heard during a french broadcast of the 2000 World Series

Most likely to have been your high school history teacher

Most likely nickname for Kevin to give himself when he’s tired of working in his dad’s office

Weirdest way to describe time spent in the bathroom

Best shorthand when looking for the password to The Beast